HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
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I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”
About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.
That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.
*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.
I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron
Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.
“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
[walking in on boyfriend]
me: oh god
him: it’s not what it looks like!
me: how could you do this to me?!
him: i’m so sorry you had to find out this way
me: *falling to my knees* my leftoverssss
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.
*2 Knights on a Quest*
Elgon: Let’s rest here. Does the map say where we are?
Gawain: The map says “Here be Dragons”.
Elgon: Ha! They always say that!
Gawain: *getting off horse* Why do they say that?
Elgon:
Gawain: Elgon?
Dragon: Oh, was that your friend? *burp*