My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
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Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
Breaking news:
Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”Two days have passed, no reply.
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote
FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.
Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.
[first day as a lion tamer]
me: don’t worry i totally researched this…
ring master: um ok
me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.
Me: Did you check the hamper?
11: Why would it be there?
Why indeed.
Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…
Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”
Baker: “What type do you want sir?”
Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”
My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!