the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
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I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
i’m really good at reading people’s true feelings from their words. for example, my wife said “i love how you’ll just leave the dirty dishes in the sink and wait for me to do them,” but i was able to determine that she does not, in fact, love that
My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.
*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.
Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”
Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.
Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”
My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face