Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
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When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
Me: I try to avoid working out while on vacation.
Also me: [lugs seven beach chairs, five umbrellas, a cooler, a bag containing snacks and 13 bottles of sunscreen, and a cornhole set down a half-mile down to the beach through eight inches of soft sand]
Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off