[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-
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I don’t understand why my coworkers always complain when I microwave my favorite meal: curry salmon stuffed with burnt popcorn.
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*
Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.
ME: I want the car’s brake lines to rust
SCIENTIST: I’m listening
ME: [slides over envelope full of cash] But make it look like an oxidant
Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
Customer: do you sell {item}?
Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in
Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.
[first day as a baker]
boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again
me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
i need to stop taking melatonin before bed because it is giving me fever dreams. last night i dreamed i made a billboard #1 hit single and the only lyric i can still remember is “smokin on that shit that made gumby pregnant”
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”
Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: omg
Me: omg
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it
My biological clock is wheezing.
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?