Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
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shut up and take my money
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.
The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.
Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.
I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.
me: i trained my dog to talk
her: let’s see
me: describe sandpaper
dog: ruff
me: the outer layer of a tree
dog: bark
her: this sucks
me: that little rapper guy
dog: bow wow
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241
The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.
Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
spicy snake
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.