two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
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I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.
Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.
Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.
Looks like we all just want to stay home.
Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*
My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?
Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting
true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?
Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?
Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words
Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that
DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?
VADER: On the dark side.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?
VADER: Star bucks.
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]
Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.
1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”