You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.
You Might Also Like
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking
My hips don’t lie because they be like, “Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids.”
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
[courtroom]
me: good morning, Judge McDonald
Judge: you will address the court properly
Me:
Judge: or be found in contempt
Me: Good morning, Your Ronald
[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works