her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
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Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
Hyena: what’s my name again?
God: hyena.
Hyena: hi.
God: hi.
Hyena: i’m Ena : )
God: that-that’s not your name.
Hyena: oh. what is it?
God: hyena.
Hyena:
God:
Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )
I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
Its true…
ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??
CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.
Life with a cat in one tweet
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
“Five year plan?”
[shuffles papers]
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.
Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.
I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.
My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!