amazon: your package is in your mailbox 🙂
me: it is not
amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 🙂
me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox
amazon: maybe you’re looking in the wrong one?
me: that isn’t possible
amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))
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LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything
Entomologic:
Firefly= not a fly
Butterfly= not a fly
Mayfly= not a fly
Stonefly= not a fly
Scorpionfly= not a flyBee louse= fly
This has been “Entomologic”
#entomologic #entomology #SciComm #bugjokes
ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
ATMs should have breathalyzers
Him: You’re married?
Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.
Him: What about on Friday?
Me: Depends how Thursday goes.
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
Fixed this for Shakespeare
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”
There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.