*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*
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According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
[When I offer my kid a new food]
Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]
Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.
I’m impressed.
They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.
5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it
Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?
Oh…
*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*Better?
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
“Somebody needs to go to the store!”-mom yelling from the kitchen
“Jason, you think you’re somebody. Why don’t you go to the store?”- Dad
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.