I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
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My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.
Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
WIFE: I’m leaving
ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more
WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops
ME: Ooh get tacos
Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
ME: *tying hotdogs together*
Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?
Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!
I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.
Never let them know your next move 😂
I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.
Breaking news:
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win
*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.