i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
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When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.
[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
We get it, Aaron. You like vowels
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”
[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
Me: “Your mum sucks.”
GF: “That’s not very nice.”
Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
[commercial for tupperware]
Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?
– Tupperware
Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE
Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie