If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
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awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”
Click on account
Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girlMe: Okay, I can work with this.
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
Here’s a meme
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
Me: I’m going to mall
Wife: For what?
Me: Oh, you know. To, um, shop
Wife: So, you’re NOT going to stand at the top of the escalator saying “wow, that escalated quickly” to everyone that gets off?
Me: I thought I asked you not to bring that UP.
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
Who wants to be my Valentine?
Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.
However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.
#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
IRL
I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
medium: so you want to contact your wife
me: I can still hear her voice
wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin
me: it’s like she’s watching me
wife: [through window] I forgot my keys
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no