The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
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Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
[8 AM – calling doctor’s office]
Answering machine: Our office hours are Monday thru Thursday 9:15 AM to 4 PM. We are closed from 11 AM to 2 PM for lunch. We are closed Friday and weekends. Please leave a message. [beep]
Me: Are you…are you guys hiring?
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,
Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”
Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning
Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?
Me: what happens to our energy after we die?
Doctor: no, not like that
Me: do crabs think fish can fly?
Doctor: not like that either
Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?
Doctor: please stop
[group therapy]
IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist
[others nod]
ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone
[screaming]
[Ian pukes]
GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me