finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
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Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem
date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
*Buys something from Amazon
*Tracks package from Amazon
*Gets delivery from Amazon
Me)I wonder what this is
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
Streaming Service: We think this wholesome comedy would be great!
Me: hmmm
Streaming: How about thoughtful calm drama parallel of life
Me: 🤔
Streaming: ok…how about a depressing cult docu-series that will fill you with a rage that will not die
Me: ya ya that’s the one
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
I did not eat the cake…
[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?
[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
we’re dead?
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”