nyc:
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[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!
My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.
DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-
MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?
DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
A family that plays together cheats.
Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on
I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges
ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”
ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs
HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan
ME: ok we have two problems
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did