Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking
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Oh hi lol
Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.
Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart
Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news
Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”
Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.