I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
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Dolls on drugs
New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.
Was just up a ladder *very obviously* mending the roof when a man ambled over, stood at the bottom and eventually called up ‘Mending the roof are ye?’
Got to reply ‘Aye, once I’ve finished unblocking this sink.’ Never felt more powerful. I am majestic. I could grow antlers.
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
GOD: I call them Water Buffalo
ANGEL: But they live on land
GOD: Yep
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u
GOD: Not a bit
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.
Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.
*hair is super let down*
Always the camel, never the toe.
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
[ funeral ]
me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands
her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”
Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂