I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”
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My wife is in a Facebook group called Buy Nothing where people list stuff they’re giving away.
The other day, a lady came to our house to pick up two granola bars that we didn’t like
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon
P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.
I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
welp
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO
You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread