Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
You Might Also Like
My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.
I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.
My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
What do you call a man with no car???
…an Uber.
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.