MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels
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I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
No chill.
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”
Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?
Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick
Cop: *on radio* get the feds
I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
Kid: why do cookies look so happy?
Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked
Kid: I wanna get baked
Me: me too kid… me too
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.