The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.
I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”
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Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
*laughing* I bought a baby gate (to keep the dog from eating the cat’s food) but forgot to tell my son. A box was delivered with the words “BABY GATE” on it. I was running errands so he saw the box. I got a call from my horrified son asking “OMG NO Why do you need a BABY gate?”
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorryCanadian boxing
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
[job interview]
What’s your biggest weakness?
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?
Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night
Life is a suicide mission.
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”
I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.
I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.