Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
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I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
[At the job interview]
“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”
“Would that be for the whole time?”
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.
Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.
A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”
Worst Native American name ever.
Waitress: Breakfast is over
Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.
Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.
Me: Okay, eggs then.
Waitress: Bacon or sausage?
Me: …Bacon.
Waitress: Do you want toast?
Me: ….
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
my dog when i have a friend over
Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
Monday
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
Merry Christmas
[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.
This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.