My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
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I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
How did you break your leg?
[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
[1st date]
-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!
Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about