If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
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ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
*pokes sex life with a stick
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
Found something new to say when I leave a room.
As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?
My Darling Petunia,
It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.
not seeing the problem
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
[first day on a new job]
Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.
Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.
Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.