interviewer: describe your hero
me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room
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sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
Therapist: What’s the problem?
Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things
Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan
My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
Friends: Come get a drink with us after work?
Me: Nah, I gave up drinking for my New Year’s Resolution.
Friends: C’mon, just have one….
Me: Ok, maybe just one.
[ three hours later at the club ]
Me:
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.
FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?
Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***
*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms
Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?
I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.
My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.