Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
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Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]
I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.
Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.
Her: “So, are you religious?”
Him: “I’m part Catholic.”
Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”
Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”
#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes
How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.
titanic
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’