The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.
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Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
she has a smile full of sesame seeds
[operating room]
SURGEON: We’ve lost him
NURSE: Exact time of death?
GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad
*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*
Me: h-how are you smoking??
Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about youME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money
Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire
Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”
Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”
Me: “Pretty cool, right?”
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.