Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
You Might Also Like
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
Jesus Christ lmao
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: not really, no
The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke
2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.
My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU
Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”