thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
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Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
If snakes were wide
My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
me, trying to order a floral arrangement by phone:
Hi, what is the price of something…flowery? Yes, I’d like a floral arrangement made of flowers. Do I have any preferences? No….just something floral….like, with flowers. Something with petals. Thank you. 🥴
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
OH. COME. ON.
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
Beep beep
Beep beep beep
Beep beep
Beep
Beep beep beep beep
Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
Rules for a happy marriage:
3. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate data plans
1. Separate bathrooms
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.
Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?
Him: Yes.
Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.