My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
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In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.
My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!
*hyperventilates*
*vomits*
Me: It’s for the dog.
8: Oh. Can I have a snack?
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?
Me: Because they’re ballet dancers
9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
#Caturday
Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent
“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”
Me: wanna play would you rather?
Her: sure
Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house
[gutter rattles in the backyard]
Her: *narrows eyes*
3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?
Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
ME: *first day working at LinkedIn* You need to have a DM jail feature
CEO: That’s a great idea
ME: Call it ClinkedIn
CEO: Get out!
Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.
Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”
I think she’s ready to be a parent now.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.