*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
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I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
You deplete me
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
Ran into the librarian I’ve been trying to impress in the Target book section and awkwardly blurted out “I’m just here to buy a TV,” which was way worse of course.
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”
Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.