Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
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8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
Donating blood today to make room for more food
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had
editor: nice
jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.
editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?
jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc
DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.