Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.
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*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
[at a racetrack]
DATE: Which horse are you betting on?
ME: I don’t have a horse in this race
DATE: That’s fair
ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.