So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
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THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again
Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony
Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one
Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
☠️☠️☠️
I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake
Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.
(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
TV meteorologist: “And now it’s time for the extended forecast (clears throat) foooooorrrrrrecaaaaaaaassssssst”
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
someone having a baby in the ‘90s: I’m pregnant, you’ll see it in 9 months.
someone having a baby since social media: rylington harverson punce, a future mountain mover, and barrier breaker, was born last night & the ground shook around us. 200k in his savings account already ❤️.
6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀
Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.