*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*
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14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal
[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
ME: beautiful
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
Cha-ching is my safe word
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry