Tried to create a relaxing atmosphere in my statistics practical today by putting on a YouTube fireplace video but there are about 8 large screens on the walls in the room so instead it looked like we were all in hell
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One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.
How to meet a girl:
1) Walk into a bar.
2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”
3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure
Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.*The fault in our Jars*
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten
friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener
me: here, give me your lighter
friend: ok
me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener
[in my bedroom]
Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*
Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?
Me: I just told you
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
[getting a checkup]
DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.
Bartender: One more then?
Me: Yep
Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂