me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
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I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens
[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
black phone good
Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.
FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.
sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.