Her: My God…yours is huge!
Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.
*slow wink*
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Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces
*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
[CAVE]
BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!
DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.
Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.
J: But, I’m only 13!
S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!
J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*
– Shakespeare Pressure
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*
*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
[Interview]
Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.
Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.