NEW YEAR’S LOGIC
1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.
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I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.
My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
Risking my life for fun.
OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virusPhysicist screws up:
Deadly black holeGeologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor
A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room
Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
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He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Heroic Misunderstanding
Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.
How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work
[6 ½ hour car ride]
Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.
Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”
*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”