#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
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In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.
Finally
Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.
My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol
[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.
Breaking news:
went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.
There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.