Daughter: what’s nostalgia?
Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[later]
Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: aw we missed you!
Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.
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Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.
Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.
If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
that’s really how it is
I see your IQ test came back negative
Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?