#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
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6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?
11: Post Melon
6:
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real
[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…
[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?*holds out hands*
Me: I brought you a box of donut.
Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
[at wife’s funeral]
Son: At least shes in heaven now
Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
Monday
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
*seductively peels off lederhosen
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.
I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
me: i’m sorry
gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?
me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas
gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy
me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*
My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man