Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
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Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!
Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space
Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later
Me, yelling over the panic: IT’S OK EVERYONE I LISTENED INTENTLY TO THE SAFETY BRIEFING THE EXITS ARE OVER HERE
*audible sigh of relief from all the passengers as the plane is going down*
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
[Therapy]
Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?
Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.
Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.
People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
Life hack :
Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”