*during sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?
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Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis
You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
Me: I’m in the thick of a lovely assortment of perimenopausal symptoms; my body now has the ability to go from zero to inferno in a matter of seconds.
Telemarketer: I’ll just go ahead and put you on the do-not-contact list.
If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
STAGES OF HOTEL BUFFET BREAKFAST
1. Admire healthy selection of yoghurt and fruit
2. Start piece of toast in strange grill machine
3. Eat 19 rashers of bacon, 12 sausages and 2.3kg of scrambled egg
4. Toast burned, in bin
5. Eat 4 grapes and a piece of melon to be healthy
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”