Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
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Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
my lower back watching me try to live my life
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
excel: ope you don’t need that leading zero right
me: yes. that’s why i typed it th-
excel: there you go we’ve cleaned up all leading zeros
me: i need tha-
excel: zeros are icky
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
[flying to Vegas]
TSA agent: The metal detector is going crazy. Do you have any metal on you?Me: Just my lucky rabbit’s foot key chain, my lucky penny, my lucky bronzed four-leaf clover and my lucky horseshoe.
[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin
[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–
[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…
[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*
Him: *gets the handcuffs out*
Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*
Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.