THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity
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Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
“and how does that make you feel?”
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.
Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!
Me:
Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.
GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.
ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.
Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?
Her:
Me:
Her: Sure, let’s go with that.
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.