Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to
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Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.
Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.
Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!
Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.
Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.