My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
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If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
7:01 AM: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Build your 3 year old a blanket fort.
7:10: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ play house.
7:45: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Resolve conflict between your 3 year old’s toys.
8:20: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Fix the blanket fort.
9:00 AM: Drink cold coffee.
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx
When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.
Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.
How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
blocked.
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.